REPRINT: The Self-Portrait Saga

Originally published on March 14th, 2007, at the Pop Culture Institute, The Self-Portrait Saga was one of my earliest forays into understanding my own issues with my appearance; while I can safely say that I think no more highly of myself today, I've stopped beating myself up over it. It wasn't easy, but I've come to terms with the fact that my dating life is over, and look forward to filling up those hours with plenty of nourishing writing. ~ MSM

I'll be the first to admit I have some serious issues about my appearance.

The way I look sometimes makes me not want to leave the house, and when I do leave the house it is with downcast eyes and a neutral expression which hardens into meanness the longer it's worn. Yet since my typical at-home facial expression is that of a kicked dog, I can't help but love it, even though I'm the one who's been applying the boot.

Talking about it, I risk exposing myself as hopelessly neurotic, self-loathing, and therefore unlovable. Not talking about it makes it fester and seethe. Clearly, the third option is to get over it. This is another one of those places where art comes in so handy. Because it's not just the topography of my face I'm dealing with here; it's the ageing process, the result of weight loss, medication, and a Vancouver winter. Changes in life and situation show on our faces; more so even than the eyes, it truly is the mirror of the soul, and the soul I see reflected here isn't happy.

When I see a picture of myself I can see echoes of my ancestors, the result of choices made, and the effects of a lifetime of cruelty, too much of which is self-inflicted. I can't help resenting my face for having cost me so much attention, yet I also have unrealistic expectations in that regard which need to be addressed as part of a broader enquiry.

So I guess this isn't over yet...