No Longer Gay

The word "gay" implies alot of things. It suggests, for a man, an attraction to men. It must therefore suggest being attractive to men.

Yet another Pride Day has come and gone, and yet another humiliating bout of invisibility. There in that sea of diverse faces and diverse physiques and all I got was a smile from one guy who was holding hands with another guy. One unavailable guy out of what? A hundred thousand? Wow, I must be hot.

I give up. There's no point in trying to appeal for someone willing to overlook the physical - it ain't gonna happen. Especially not when, in my case, "the physical" looks like me. I realise that attraction is subjective, and that anyone can be attractive to someone. Which doesn't explain how I could be so unattractive to everyone.

I'm just lucky, I guess, to have the gay male friends I do have, because they have the best chance to understand what I'm going through. Only none of them quite do, given how much more popular than me they've always been. Besides which, they're mostly all in relationships. They've found theirs. I'm tired of looking for mine, especially since he doesn't exist.

This leaves me in a very strange place. Straight people I don't trust, gay men despise me... Which means more solitude than I know how to handle, and a slow, lingering death brought about by an acute lack of affection.

It's gonna be a great rest of my life, I can tell.