Once again I have been rendered a failure... Or should I even say "once again"? Since life to me feels like one long failure, rather than a series of short ones, perhaps I should have begun this post with the phrase " I am still a failure". See, I can't even be a success at denigrating myself, and it's the only thing I'm really good at.
I've just closed up shop at the Pop Culture Institute, which failed spectacularly on almost every front: it failed to get comments, it failed to attract readers, it failed to generate dialogue, it even failed to maintain momentum (mainly due to the other three failures). Self-Loathario, with significantly fewer posts, is, by comparison, a roaring success; such a success, in fact, that I have often been jealous of it on behalf of the other one. I dare any therapist to disentangle that mess!
So now, with several spare hours a day on my hands that I once upon a time used to lavish on the Pop Culture Institute, it's like I have an enormous gap in my schedule; in fact, given the amount of time I used to spend on writing and researching over there, one could say that I have my entire schedule back, and nothing to do in it.
The first priority, clearly, is returning my life to some semblance of normality: cleaning my apartment, exercising, and spending time with my friends are near the top of the To-Do List. Since I currently find myself at an impasse with regards to my work, I'm clearly going to have to do whatever has to be done to keep money coming in, whether that involves fighting for work with my current employer or looking for work elsewhere. To that end, the routine I've known for the past nine months is about to get a serious shake-up, which is bound to make for an interesting summer, at least.
Plus, I have to do all this while at the front of my mind there will be lurking the constant reminder that I am a failure. This shouldn't prove any kind of a hindrance, because I'm used to it by now; if you stood outside my apartment window with a bullhorn and shouted "You're a failure!" up at me every five seconds for the rest of my life I'd still have you beat. Self-loathing, in my case, is a kind of white noise in my brain.
I think for the time being I'll stick close to the one thing (other than self-loathing) I know I'm good at: taking pictures. Even though when it comes to marketing and selling those pictures I'm a colossal failure, since I have no degree and therefore no chance to show in a gallery or be represented by a stock agency, I know that in the taking of them at least I'm Ansel Adams and Richard Avedon combined. In fact, I may even start a photo blog; at the very least, it'll give me something else to fail at, and in that respect, I'll be shouting "I am failure, hear me roar" in no time at all.
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5 comments:
Michael.. Now you're making me feel bad. It dawned on me the other day that due to my increased work schedule, househunting, a demanding girlfriend, moving in with demanding girlfriend and nursing my drink problem, I'd been neglecting your wonderful Institute. I enjoy it as much for the astute, intelligent writing as for the facts, important or otherwise, it teaches/taught me on a daily basis. Thinking of the amount of times I've opened the comments thread (most recently yesterday, for the lovely piece on Rowlf) only to shy away from lowering the tone with anything I could offer.
My own blog is just that, entirely my own. I don't have the counters or other such doodads that you have on your site. Frankly the thought of putting them on terrifies me. So I applaud your courage, your great writing and your honesty. I hope you reconsider. But if not I have faith in your abilities, and I trust your judgment. I know I have not heard the last of MSM.
It was certainly not my intention to make anybody feel bad; life is busy, and I was competing with so much content online, plus untold other things. Maybe I just had a meltdown looking at the publishing I'd set myself for the week ahead. It's pretty daunting to look ahead at that and think three or four people will read it and no one will comment.
Nobody's comments ever lowered the tone; their comments contributed to the dialogue I was looking to create.
Once upon a time I had about eight regular readers, and by yesterday I was down to two. I was simply going in the wrong direction.
I know that was never your intention. But I just checked your Institute again, and it brought a broad smile to my face. So thank you for that. It also inspired me to grow a pair; I've just added feedjit...
It was largely due to your comment.
Hi there, Michael!
I must say I love Your cynicism! Might perhaps not be considered a compliment, nor something to put on Your merite list of daily failures, but coming from an inhabitant of a country with a suicidal rate way beyond avarage... it should count for something! ;-)
I have this saying I'm torturing my poor colleagues with on a regular basics. "If things start looking bright - beware! - it might be the end of the tunnel!"
(sorry for the lousy language, english is not my mothertongue)
Greetings from Finland!
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