A State of Mind Address

It's been over a month now since I last barfed up a wad of self-loathing online; a couple of the people who occasionally peek in at this site have recently contacted me offline with their congratulations on a month well-lived. I've accepted their thanks, but in the same way I've learned to accept praise: through gritted teeth.

Naturally, the reason isn't as simple as all that.

Have I foregone self-loathing for an entire month? Ha! In fact, since my art may depend on it (and my personality virtually demands it) I dare say it'll never go away completely, nor do I want it to. The truth of the matter is, I hate myself because I love myself. Once I figure out exactly how such a thing is possible, I'll let you know.

I have felt the self-loathing weakening, though, especially since I started this blog; but one doesn't put aside a lifetime's skewed reasoning and persona dysphoria in such a short time. No, rest assured I still have moments every day when I can barely stand myself; considering how much time in the day I spend with myself, this makes for a lot of very long days indeed.

This blog represents a truce between me, myself, and I. After all, divorce is not an option in this case. The peace it's brokered is a fragile one, and there are still plenty of skirmishes along the frontiers, but for the most part the peace has held.

The reason for this is that self-loathing is counter-productive, and I'm currently in a phase of my life when I need to be as productive as possible. My entire career is beginning to open wide, and once it does, I'd kind of like the option to say Ahhh instead of Ewww.

So what's next?

Generating original content for the other side - the Pop Culture Institute - means I'll be having to appear on film, which is ghastly enough. Films also need narration, and editing, both of which involve confronting myself in ways I don't care to ever do. I've done everything in my power to curtail as much of this as I can, but am simply unable to do away with it altogether, at least for the time being.

This calls on even more creativity than writing and performing, because I'll have to record and photograph myself in the best possible way. Since I don't believe I deserve such treatment, there's also a cognitive dissonance to deal with. In other words, it's not about me, it's about the blog.

It also means that I have to make these particular videos as spectacular as can be, so that maybe I can start hiring actors to do my performing for me. I mean, if Woody Allen can have John Cusack and Kenneth Branagh substituting for him - the kind of stretch that would kill a yoga master - I should be able to find some exposure-starved up-and-coming actor or other such human tautology to take my place on screen.

Fortunately I have no self-loathing where my abilities are concerned, in fact, quite the opposite. Once I'm able to completely remove myself visually and vocally from the equation I should prove to be a spectacularly successful producer. In the same way that once I'm able to afford the kind of solitude that would make J. D. Salinger seem like a contestant on Big Brother, I should prove to be a very good novelist.

Since the majority of my self-loathing is reinforced by social interaction, I've begun doing everything in my power to rid me of this potentially risky behaviour. This means I'm completely done thinking of myself as anybody's potential date, and limiting other contact to the few friends I've managed to keep and, of course, work and other professional situations. In this way, I should be able to trick myself into at least looking confident to anyone on the outside looking in.